Hello,
I am 20 years old and in college, starting junior year shortly. I have flashbacks about my actions and behavior in high school. I was accused of sexual harassment, and attempted domestic abuse/rape, many times by many girls in high school. The dean and the principal called me into the office over my four years in high school and asked if these were true. I denied the charges and my parents told them to back off. The claims weren’t true; I never hurt any girl physically, never said insulting things. I did hug a girl without her permission. She knew me. I was outside during a fire alarm. It was raining, she was cold, I said “What the hell” and hugged her. She was stunned. Two months after the event happened, I was called in to the office by the principal, dean, and two guidance counselors. They accused me of hugging her inappropriately, to which I said “I did not hug her.” Lie. The charges were dropped. My junior year, I was accused of advancing on a girl, trying sexually harras/fondle her. I NEVER touched her; but the principals, deans and her parents were in the office to talk to me. They assumed I should be punished. The dean said he was going to punish me, but the charges were not true. He was going to expell me. My parents scolded the deans, told them to leave me alone because it was not true. The charges dropped. She knew who I was, we went to the same middle school. Her brother doesn’t talk to me anymore because he thinks I was trying to rape his sister. THIS IS NOT TRUE.
However, I punched a girl in the arm my junior year. She was trying to punch and kick me, I did this in self-defense. I did tell her “You talk too much”. I did bad things. The list goes ON AND ON. I think I committed more problems in high school than any other student. I called a teacher an a**h*** and also made fun of my freshman science teacher. I did not take responsibility in my school band, I refused to do work in my math and history class, I had to drop those classes and enlist somewhere else. I was failing them. I also lied about going places and also yelled at my guidance counselor. A social worker nearly had to call security when I blew up and yelled at a male student (Christian Bale style, but worse) in our college resource center; he made fun of a female student. I feel ashamed. I did fail my driver education class. I was arrogant behind the wheel, I never listened to anything the driving teacher said. I was nearly involved in a huge crash on the highway one time. Its interesting because I still have my learing permit, but I feel ashamed of looking at it because it is a haunting reminder of driver ed. I failed all the tests, never did any of the work, and shouted random things in class. In the fall, I asked the driving coach if he could change the grade. Its a long story. My parents told me that as a result of my driver education behavior, I am not allowed to drive anymore. I have not driven a car in four years. I live in the suburbs. I take the bus and train to get places, or ask people for rides.
These events flashback in my head. The ‘backs started about senior year. I can view incidents or events in high school and look at it from multiple angles i.e. classes, lunch room confrontations, football games, the events, etc. I wish I could go back in time and prevent any of this from happening.
Recently, I had an epiphany. I am thinking of going back to my high school, (the faculty are still there) and confessing and apologizing to them for what I did in high school. Its been hard in college. I don’t have a girlfriend and I cannot drive since I don’t have a license. I have not made any new friends in college and I am afraid to talk with girls because I am scared they will SEND ME TO THE DEAN OFFICE. I can’t stop thinking about high school and if I did certain things differently how different things would have been.
I wish I could move on, but these flashbacks have been with me and continue to haunt me.
Does anyone, seriously, have a suggestion at what I should do? Should I go back and apologize and serve punishment for my actions? Should I apologize to the girl I hugged? How can I get over my phobias and move on with my life?
Thank you

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